“We have just moved from an immaculate flat
to a decrepit house in order to have more space for our three children and cat
as well as to make studio space for the two of us as we work from home.
Although the house will look splendid none of our children share our faith and
with the oldest T. (16) having summer exams, the middle in his last term of
junior school D. (10) and the youngest E. (8) losing having her best friend in
the next-door flat we are losing our enthusiasm. The cat also disappeared for 3
days - something she has never done before - and seems to be finding the garden
rather frightening”.
Mr & Mrs H.I.
Insurance companies place moving house high
on their list of stress points. Even when a move is made for a positive reason
such as gaining more space or a garden it involves major disruption and initial
loss for everyone involved. Whilst there can be concrete factors that make the
disruption more significant - such as exams, the last period in a school before
moving on, losing a close neighbour- the fact is that moving is always a
disruption.
Whether people live in a hospital bed, a
doorway, a flat or a house the place where we live is home. We invest it with
our feelings and hopes. Moving involves separating the emotional meaning of a
home from the concrete building structure we placed our feelings in- the flat
or house. Professor Sheila Hollins has always tried to train medical staff in
long-stay hospitals to realise that even a hospital bed itself can be someone’s
home and moving a patient from one bed to another even in the same ward can
cause stress.
Animals can feel the impact of change of
territory as sharply, if not more sharply, than the humans they live with.
Family therapist Dr John Byng Hall has often pointed out that the family pet should
be observed as much as other members of the family when something important is
happening because they are likely to provide some clue to the family’s
feelings. When Nadia Poscotis, a Senior Clinical Lecturer in Social Work, moved
from a flat to a house with garden she expected her cats to enjoy having such
new territory. “ When I let my cats out into the open for the first time and
they had never had that experience before they went out on their bellies they
were so terrified. They kept low to the ground while exploring the space
outside. The local cats had been used to coming across this garden and claimed
it as their own territory so my cats had the terrible business of trying to
claim territory for themselves. Some of the rougher local cats send them flying
back. So they have had a tougher time than me. A short while later one of them
went missing and I had to knock on neighbours’ doors. It certainly broke the
ice for me in my new territory but it took them a while longer to settle”.
Moving into a new road, even in the same part
of the country, is moving into new territory. No-one, human or pet, can gauge
in advance how welcoming the new territory will be. Whilst humans, on the
whole, can accept the legal right of the new neighbour to move into their area,
animals do not accept rent-books or leases as proof of ownership! There are
other differences too. Ms Poscotis, of course, chose to move. Her cats did not
make that decision. Even though the choice of a home with a garden was made
with them in mind they wee not party to the decision-making. Similarly, Mr and
Mrs H.I came to a decision about the need to move. However much they discussed
it or planned it with their children and however much they took their
children’s needs into account the fact is that it was their decision. The fact
that their parents were initially pleased about the decision does not mean they
will be.
What is it like for the youngest? To lose
having a friend who is also a next-door neighbour is a major loss. At 8 years
of age children do not have a large area they can geographically explore
without a parent’s presence. Where a young child enjoys a friendship with a
child next-door there is the experience of a flat or house size being doubled.
The neighbourhood is seen as a safe and trusted extension of the core family.
However nice the new neighbours might be or the new garden a good friend as a
neighbour is not replaceable. Indeed, E would not be a good friend to have if
she thought getting a garden made up for missing a friend. How far is the
distance between the two homes? Can the friend be invited to stay? Perhaps E
fears she will not be able to see her friend so regularly and a speedy
invitation might help with that worry. Even if the house is currently decrepit
it is more likely to be experienced as interesting or fun if there is a friend
there to share it.
D is in his last few months of Junior school
and is probably preoccupied with the major move he will be making to secondary
school in September. Will any of his current classmates be going to the same
school as him? Facing a new home at a time of major change with the possibility
of having to meet totally new secondary school boys and girls is clearly a more
daunting task than knowing some friends will stay constant. If D does not know
anyone going to his proposed new school perhaps the Head Teacher could be asked
to suggest prospective pupils he could meet in advance.
It says a lot for T’s wish to work that he is
preoccupied with exams at a time of moving. Some children can semi-delinquently
enjoy the disruption to their studies that moving causes. However T remains
focused on what is a priority to him at the moment, perhaps to help him over
this important transition. Are there friends T will miss? A new neighbourhood
might contain a better home but not better social after-school facilities.
However, Mr and Mrs H I needed the space to
work at home and needed the garden. Whatever time parents decide to move will
be difficult for both them and their children. Although T faces serious exams
both D and E are moving at a less significant academic time.
Mr and Mrs H I clearly felt this new home had
the potential they could enjoy. However, the combined depression of their
children and pet have not surprisingly depleted their energy. Is it something
about their wish to work together at home in a more spacious environment while
the rest of the family are at school that inspires envy? For there to be such a
totally united front against the new home- including even the pet - is
noteworthy. Alternatively, is there something excluding in Mr and Mrs H I that
hurts their children? Is it possible that Mr and Mrs H I are also uncertain
about the move but cannot bear to admit it and the rest of their family are
expressing it for them? Without further information it is not possible to know.
However, if Mr and Mrs H I have made the right decision and can manage to hold
on to their own pleasure without expecting it to be shared then as the house is
put to rights perhaps their family’s feelings will be too.