“As my son Daniel will turn 2 years old next
month I am keen for him to start nursery school. Our local one has a space and
I have arranged to start work to coincide. I have looked after him full-time up
until now. Daniel is an outgoing boy and we have successfully left him for
short periods with neighbours. However, just recently he has started crying and
clinging when we leave him anywhere. I am worried whether he will settle down
at school.”
Mrs D.E.
Despite widespread hopes that chronological
and emotional growth should go hand in hand, age in itself signifies little
more than just that - an age that has been reached. Daniel reaching 2 is
therefore not in itself a sign of personal readiness to go to nursery school.
Whilst some children start successfully at 2, others are not ready until 3 or
4.
However, there is not only the child’s
readiness to consider. There are the family’s economic and emotional needs as
well. Some parents can wait until the child is ready and others are not able
to. For fortunate families readiness in the child and parent coincides. A
parent begins to have mental space to think of work or other activities at a
time when the little child shows an ability to be interested in others. Daniel
has been able to manage separation and that has allowed Mrs D.E. space to
consider a job for herself and plan a nursery place for him.
However, whether 5 year olds are ready for
full-time school or not the fact of a formal starting age (give or take a term)
means parents can prepare their children in a confident way. “I was really
looking forward to having time to myself”, said the mother of one 5 year old,
“but I did not feel guilty about it because that was the time she had to go
anyway”. There is no such clear moment for nursery or playschool provision.
Whilst some state infant schools have added on nursery classes for 4 year olds,
provision for the under-fives falls largely on the voluntary and private
sector. This means parents, with the advice of nursery teachers, carry the
responsibility for deciding if and when to start.
Where a parent, like Mrs D.E. has been at
home full-time with her child prior to him starting school, the separation
process is two-fold. She is saying goodbye to the earliest stage of parenthood
as well as looking forward to the new stage. Daniel is also having to change
his environment, moving into the wider social world. “These two separate
experiences can get confused and magnify each other,” says child
psychotherapist, Mrs Lisa Miller who is responsible for the Tavistock Clinic’s
Under-Fives Counselling Service. “Almost all our work includes some aspect of
separation issues. There is an underlying thread about weaning as the whole
growing up experience involves a process of separation. This can be most acute
before children join their first social unit outside of the family”
Where a parent does not feel guilty about the
timing of separation it can be discussed with the child openly so that the
child’s feelings can be explored. Mrs H, for example, needed to return to work
earlier than she intended when her husband’s illness led to an economic crisis.
“It’s Mummy’s turn to go to work instead of Daddy so he can have time to get
better” she told their 2 year old, Josie. She also explained Grandma was coming
to look after Daddy and Josie each day until Mummy got home. As Josie
understand the concept of taking turns, was satisfied she and her father would
be looked after and recognised the certainty in her mother’s voice she was able
to adjust to the new circumstance.
However, Mrs D.E. does not appear to have
told Daniel of her plans yet. “Children know when there are plans in the air”
says Lisa Miller. “Perhaps Mrs D.E. doesn’t realise how much Daniel knows”.
Children can be far more frightened by unspoken wishes and plans of their
parents than the actual reality. It is possible that Daniel is being clingy
because he senses a separation but fears a far worse one air than has actually
been planned.
Susan Reid, author of “Understanding Your Two
Year Old” emphasises the way first separations stir up for the mother her own
past experiences. She points out that many mothers confess to crying when they
leave their child at nursery for the first time. It matters that the new adult
is trusted by the parents so that the handover can be made with confidence and
that there is provision for a gradual start. It is possible that Daniel is
picking up his mother’s feelings about her own experiences of separation in
addition to his own worries.
Transitions are complicated and rarely
smooth. A little child can begin nursery school confident and well-prepared but
then find the strain of sharing an adult with other children and the absence of
a familiar person too much. Janie, aged 2, the youngest in her family, began
with great curiosity and pleasure and looked forward to going each day for the
first week. She wanted to be like her older siblings. After the first weekend
she burst into tears at the thought of going back. Her parents and nursery
teacher decided to give her more time and she started again six months later.
3-year-old Tom, on the other hand, needed his parents and teacher to gently
insist on his attendance. Experienced Nursery Heads can offer helpful advice on
how slowly or quickly to phase in attendance. After Mrs D.E. feels confident in
speaking to Daniel about her plans introductory discussions and visits with the
Nursery would be helpful so that there is a month to settle him in. Where
problems persist it is worth gaining extra help.
Useful Addresses
Under Fives Counselling Service, Mrs Lisa
Miller, The Tavistock Clinic, 120 Belsize Lane, London NW3
“Understanding
Your 2 Year old” Susan Reid)
“Understanding Your 3 year old” Judith
Trowell