“I am a single
professional woman in my late 30s who has just adopted a 10 year old girl,
Mary. Mary and I get on extremely well with each other. She is now my main
family because I live without a partner and my parents are dead. I was well
prepared for the scepticism of some colleagues and neighbours over my wish to
adopt. Indeed, the adoption agency helped me with that. However, Mary has been
upset by children saying I must be “queer” to want to live alone with her. This
has been especially difficult to deal with as there was sexual abuse from her
father in her early life which led to her being taken into care.”
Miss S.
Until relatively recently severely
traumatised children were not considered suitable for adoption. The experience
they had of “home” life was so painful that the relative impersonality of a
children’s home could sometimes be seen as safer. House-parents did not usually
offer the same possibilities of attachment as foster-parents or adoptive
parents and for some children, who had experienced abusive attachment, that was
a relief. Others, however, lost the potential they had for growth and
development without the involvement of a parent.
Mary and Miss S have gone through the
stringent stages needed for adoption to be made legal and appear to benefit
from each other’s involvement. However, a major problem for children who have
been abused by a parent is the fact that the person who loves them is also the
person who has hurt them. Where that has occurred in the original family the
child often expects that same mixture to be present in the new parent. It makes
little difference that Miss S is female and Mary’s father wasn’t. For perhaps
from Mary’s point of view the parent has to be an abuser- regardless of gender
- and if her parent is now female then she must be an abusive female. Agencies
that hope to avoid the impact of abuse by specific gender fostering or adoption
are underestimating the nature of the problem.
Childline have just revealed the terrible
extent of verbal and physical bullying in British schools and vulnerable
children like Mary can easily be bullied. However, it is likely that Mary is
hurt by her peer-group’s words precisely because they reflect what she herself
is fearing and expecting. Mary might need therapeutic help in processing her
past experiences if Miss S does not feel she can deal with these issues alone.
Sometimes, simple direct speaking is enough. Mr A, for example, was able to say
to his 12 year old foster-son Tony “You really worry no-one can love you
without abusing you”. Where the parent can contain the underlying fear the
child goes a step further in recovering from trauma.
What about Miss
S? Does she need further help in thinking about the meaning of her
single-parent adopting? Whilst the infertile couple who adopt a child have to
face the pain of not being able to conceive their own biological child their
status as a would-be parental couple can be easier. For the single adopting
parent, questions about infertility might be much easier to answer than issues
about their lack of a life partner or their sexual inclinations let alone
dealing with societal fears, prejudices and assumptions.
Child psychotherapist Mrs Margaret Rustin,
from the Tavistock Clinic’s Adoption and Fostering Workshop comments “If you
are not part of an extended family where you may fulfil your parenting
functions by being an aunt or uncle, single- parent adoption means some people
can offer something very important to a child. For a child who has lost everything
and has to start again there could be a fair match in a single adult who also
had not found someone. However, there has to be truthfulness about the meaning
of the shared losses”.
Mrs Sheila Miller, former co-convener of the
Tavistock Fostering and Adoption Workshop agrees. “Although in many cases
single parenting is successful it has its particular complexities for birth
children as well as adopted children. However, post adoption is much more
complex than was thought previously and if Miss S finds it too hard to work on
this herself she can get help.”
David Cook’s novel on adoption aptly
crystallises in its title “Second Best” the way the non-biological single
parent and the abandoned child can feel. However the novel ends with the
adoptive father knowing and insisting that he is first best despite the
difficulties. Miss S seems to feel that her daughter is first best but is
shakier about her status as a mother. Exploring this side of the equation by
psychotherapy may strengthen the pair. For herself psychotherapy might be of
help.
“Second
Best” by David Cook, Faber & Faber, œ 13.99
The Adoption & Fostering Workshop, The
Tavistock Clinic, 120 Belsize Lane, London NW3. 071-435-7111