“After the
initial shock and dismay of a late unplanned pregnancy (we are in our
mid-forties) we have decided to have the child and are now looking forward to
its birth. Our 18-year-old daughter A was delighted but our 15 year old son B
was shocked and disturbed. In the last two months his behaviour and attitude
has deteriorated rapidly and he can hardly manage to speak to either of us
(especially not to his father). He treats us as if we had committed a crime.
Our daughter thinks his biggest shock was that we were sexually active and we
think she is right. In the meantime, our aggravation with him is rising and we
would welcome suggestions.”
Mr
and Mrs G.L.
Technical
unreliability of major contraceptives represents a very small percentage of
pregnancies compared to human error and human error is often not error at all
but unconscious accuracy. However, to be taken by surprise by another part of
oneself, especially over such a major issue as bringing a child into the world,
is indeed shocking and requires careful consideration.
Where a couple
have consciously planned to have another child, the existing child or children
can sense this long before pregnancy. There is a delicate but tangible change
in the atmosphere. Sometimes it includes an extra protective component for
those about to feel (temporarily at least) misplaced. Teachers and residential
workers who are just beginning to entertain a thought about changing their jobs
are often surprised by the immediate way their charges can pick this up. Where
any change is a surprise to the adults it will also be a surprise to the
children. When parents or professionals plan something it becomes processed so
that the child is partially cushioned.
However, Mr and
Mrs G.L.’s children are in their teens. Should that make a difference? A is 18,
of voting age, and likely to be able to conceive. As a young female adult she
can identify with her mother’s female ability to become pregnant and at a more
sexually independent stage of life she is not threatened by her father’s
potency. As the first of two children she has also already adjusted to seeing
her place changing, from “only” child to “oldest” child. B, however, is clearly
in a different position. Firstly, despite being in his teens, he is the current
youngest in the family. At his age and in this culture he had every reason to
consider himself the last of the G.L. children. Mr and Mrs G.L. thought he was
too. Now he is to lose that position. Although larger age-gaps between siblings
can often lessen the way in which rivalry shows itself, it still exists. Many
older brothers and sisters who are old enough to be the parents of siblings can
be seen behaving as if they were only two or three years older! Nevertheless,
with resentment rising and the months passing, B’s response is indeed a matter
for concern.
At 15, B is in a
period of adolescence which involves far more physical change than later
adolescence. It is a time when the adolescent is at a half-way stage between
dependence and independence and more likely to be established in a peer-group
friendship culture than in a personal sexual-emotional relationship. These two
issues join together to make the impact of the pregnancy more disturbing. His
perception of his parents as non-sexual and static, a slide-rule against which
he could measure his growth, has taken a big knock.
A’s opinion is
an important point. Many children retain a phantasy that their parents are
non-sexual beings who deviated from a life of spotless celibacy just to give
birth to them. Long-standing relationships do not give out the same sexual
vibrations as new ones and adolescents therefore usually start experiencing
their own sexual feelings at a time when they do not feel intruded upon by the
signs or proof of their parents’ sexuality.
Although some
professional couples are choosing only to begin their families in their late
thirties or early forties they still form a minority as do couples who started
their families in their twenties but complete them twenty years later. Many
couples wisely plan to have their children earlier than their 40’s since the
closer women get to the menopause the greater the biological risks (although
these have been much modified). If it took Mr and Mrs G.L. over a month to come
to terms with their own shock it is not surprising it took the youngest member
of the family longer.
However, I
wonder if Mr and Mrs G.L. are completely over their shock. Would B be able to
so powerfully continue treating them as criminals if they did not feel guilty
of a crime? Sometimes the child in the adult can identify with the real child
so strongly that an adult voice gets lost. For example, Peter, aged 15, wanted
to stay at an all-night party. His parents, considering the nature of the
party, and where it was being held, decided this was not viable but said he
could stay until 11pm. Peter was furious. His parents, identifying with his
rage and remembering their own similar arguments with their parents, behaved
apologetically to him, thereby exacerbating his mood. By apologising they were
legitimising his complaint rather than being able to quietly uphold their adult
decisions.
When a couple
are going through pregnancy they can lose some aspects of their own adulthood.
In some families where there is a large age-gap between the older and the
younger children there can be a danger of older children being expected to take
care of the parents or the new baby. If B is the only problem posed by the
pregnancy is that placing too large a responsibility for its safe passage and
outcome on his shoulders?
What can Mr and
Mrs G.L. do to ensure their wellbeing at such a crucial time if B’s behaviour
shows no sign of improvement? They could seek advice for themselves as to how
to maintain their unity in the face of B’s behaviour. They could seek help as a
family with A and B present or they could consider whether B would prefer the
privacy of speaking to someone by himself.